Testing Times/Think About It

Being tested by difficult circumstances is a universal experience.
But "a time of testing" is a spiritual concept.

I want to talk this week about testing from that spiritual perspective--how a testing time impacts us as men, what God may be teaching us through the experience, and how we should respond.

As a beginning point, and for the purposes of this week's blog, I'm defining a testing time as a life experience that pushes us way out of our comfort zone. A crisis point, typically initiated by a severe loss.

Here are some examples:

• A loss of income--The loss of income is always a major hit for guys. Being fired or laid off, or experiencing a realignment that drops you a rung or two lower on the salary ladder. But this can also be the result of a voluntary action, such as taking a lower paying job for family reasons or stepping out in faith and taking on a ministry position that pays less than a secular job.
• A loss of an important relationship--Generally, the death of a close friend or family member. But also this can involve an estrangement, like a divorce or separation from your spouse. Sometimes, its a disagreement or misunderstanding that leaves you at odds with a good friend. Bottom line, someone who was once an important part of your life is no longer available to you.
• A loss of health--This is especially difficult, because if it is severe enough, it can jeopardize your ability to generate income and can impact your relationships negatively as well. What's more, it's very personal. Sometimes, a severe illness. Sometimes, a bad injury that has multiple ramifications.

The question that results is "Why?" If God is all-knowing and all-powerful, and He is good, then why is this hardship happening in my life. Especially when God's Word says He will look after me (Romans 8:28)?

This is where the testing comes in. Think about the testing times you've experienced, how you felt and how you responded. Then let's talk more Wednesday about the question.

Avoiding Failure/Live It!

The best learning can come from failure.
If you're willing to be taught.

After two years of struggling to turn around a hurting and hapless department, I was mercifully released from that responsibility. At first, I was angry and ready to jump back into a similar newspaper situation to show them what a mistake they had made. But, after getting a week's worth of decent sleep, I realized I didn't want that.

I redirected my life into a new career field and have never looked back--except to harvest lessons from that very difficult, yet fruitful experience.

Here are several of the plums. Take and eat. It will be good for you:

Determine to be the very best employee. As a first-time manager, I had no end of employee problems (too many to detail here). After that experience, I determined to be the very best employee any boss could have.

• From the simplest gestures of being punctual and courteous to the more critical values of honesty and dependability, I worked hard to be the employee I had wished for as a manager.
• I learned to be discerning, to fully understand what my supervisor wanted to accomplish, and then worked hard to make it happen.
• Coming out of college, I thought being a manager was the thing to be. I learned the high value in being an employee, a member of a team that contributes to the highest level and helps make things work.

Know the vision, live the vision. As a new manager, I failed to recognize the need for a clear vision that my department could shoot for. What was our goal, where were we headed?

• As a manager, create a vision for where you want the department to go.
• Then, either develop a path yourself that everyone can follow to get there or pull your team together to help create that map.
• Communicate the vision in a clear and attractive way. Why would we want to go there? What's in it for the team? Communicate it often.

Concentrate on the basics. There are a lot of great ideas out there, new things to try, revolutionary theories--all well and good, if you are on the right track to begin with. When you're digging yourself out of a hole and trying to get back into the race, the basics are what should occupy your time.

• Hire well.
• Take the time necessary to train.
• Set expectations and follow-through with check-ups to see how folks are doing.
• Set milestones that are measurable and reachable.
• Manage to those milestones and reward people who hit the target.

If you're an employee, ask for these things. You need a vision to shoot for and help learning your job and growing in your ability to accomplish it in an excellent fashion.

Always shoot for excellence, realizing that the real world will often throw obstacles in your way. When I go target practicing, I always aim for the bulls-eye. I don't always hit it, but I'm generally close and get better with practice.

Avoiding Failure/Go Deep

There are two sides to a job interview.

The one we seem to focus on most is impressing the prospective employer. Important for sure; but, as the prospective employee, you also have a responsibility to evaluate both the organization and the task you're expected to perform.

(Reality is, most employers would be impressed by someone who spends a little less time touting his own credentials and more time investigating the task and people who will be his responsibility.)

You need to evaluate the task before you. Ask some questions: "What are the goals? What has the recent record been in terms of achieving those goals? What have been the hurdles? What do you expect to change about these hurdles if I come on board? What kind of support will I have as I attempt to turn this situation around?"


If the organization has been on the downside of its goals, and the only plan to turn things around is bringing you on board, that spells trouble. The organization should have a plan and should be moving in a positive direction. If management has no clue what to do or is not willing to dedicate the people or resources necessary to help turn things around, don't touch it.


You also need to look beneath the surface into the recent politics of the organization. The small daily I joined at age 26 had been a family-owned newspaper for many years. A corporation had just bought out the paper and had inserted a company general manager to bring the business into compliance. I was his first hire.


I just didn't understand how incredibly detrimental those politics would be on my ability to accomplish the job. Immediately, I was an outsider with a staff that was loyal to the family publisher and suspicious of the corporation. And who was my boss--the corporate general manager who hired me or the family publisher?


As best you can, investigate the recent ownership, organizational shuffles, supervisory and staff turnover, and anything else that will give you a clue as to the stability of the organization and the currents beneath the surface that will impact your success.


Finally, take a look at the staff that will either work for you or will work alongside you. How have they been treated? How is their morale? How do they feel about a new boss coming on board? What did they feel about the old boss? What do they think needs to happen in order to turn things around? Do they have the energy to do what's necessary?


The staff I inherited in that small daily had been sorely mistreated. They had an absentee boss who threw too much on them and gave them little support. He also hired people who did not pull their weight, which caused continual conflict within the staff. The staff motto had become "every man for himself," because they had been in survival mode for so long.


Too much of my early tenure was spent handling personnel issues. Within two years, practically the entire staff had turned over. It was two years of ineffectiveness, because of the distractions and because, it's true, having the right team on board does make all the difference.

Today, 25 years down the road, I look back and imagine what could have been had I had the experience, perspective and maturity to investigate and identify issues and evaluate my own ability to handle those challenges.

Today, it would be different--primarily because today I know failure is a real possibility.

Avoiding Failure/Think About It

Have you ever been fired?

I have, and I don't recommend it.

But good can come out of any situation and, 25 years on the green side of one of my worst-ever experiences, I can recount all the positives that grew out of what seemed a devastating setback.

Let's start at the beginning with a lesson to young men about moving too far, too fast.

At age 26, I was hired as a department manager at a small daily newspaper. At one national meeting, the chain's CEO declared me the youngest circulation manager within the company. Pretty heady stuff. It was a major assignment all right, but one that was beyond my experience and skills at the time if only I had been mature enough to recognize it.

I had gone from college into a one-year training program and a short assignment as a mid-level manager straight into this department head position. As I look back, there were a variety of problems with that scenario.

A major one is that the maturity needed to lead people through major problems can only come with time and experience. Not only did I not have the time investment needed, I had not been in the business long enough to experience the kinds of problems I would face as a department head.

Worse yet, I was not even experienced enough to recognize the depth of problems that existed in the department and the newspaper I was joining.

I had failed to heed the advice of a mentor who warned me about moving too far, too fast. At that young point in my life and my career, I had not experienced failure; so I assumed I could handle anything. I found that I couldn't.

Wednesday, I want to talk with you about how to steer clear of a bad job situation in the first place--an important tactic if you want to avoid failure on the job. I'll spend Friday sharing about some of the mistakes I made as a first-time manager that contributed to my downfall.

Listen and learn, if you have the maturity.

Dealing with Doubt/Live It!

One of my most memorable Christmases was the bicycle Christmas. It was the year my two brothers and I all received new bicycles. Until that Christmas, I had only ridden a tricycle.

My bike was dark green with hand brakes and tall like a ten-speed, but I don't remember having any gears to shift. I do remember that my feet could barely touch the peddles and that there were no training wheels. I had no idea how to ride it.

My dad was confident--not that I could ride it, but that I would learn. You see, my father was a graduate of the John Wayne school of parenting. Remember the western where John Wayne finds out a boy doesn't know how to swim, so he throws the boy into the middle of the lake and encourages him to kick and paddle until he makes it to land?

Dad took all of us to a huge field, set us on our bikes and pushed us until we were going fast and then let go and encouraged us to peddle. Imagine a slow motion crash with two or three pumps to the peddles, an arching curve to the left, and a really bad landing. And then imagine about a ninety-nine trial runs before I finally made it.

But make it I did, and I wore the wheels off that first bike.

Some life lessons when you face a new and challenging situation:

• You can use a mentor. Someone who's done it before. Someone who can help you gain and build momentum. Someone who can encourage you from the sidelines. Someone who can help you get back on the bike when you fall.
• It takes time to learn. Take the time to learn. Learn by listening. Learn by studying. Learn by doing. It's hard work, but lessons well learned are lifelong possessions.
• Concentrate on what's in front of you. Don't waste time in fear and doubt. Neither will help you accomplish the task. Save your energy and brain capacity for the work in front of you.
• Persevere. It can be discouraging to not get it the first time. But nobody gets it the first time. You're doing something new, remember? Keep trying. Until I succeeded, ALL my first attempts at riding a bike ended in a crash. But each ride was longer than the previous ride. Eventually, there was no crash and I was off and running.

One last thought. What would life be like if we didn't have these challenges? Awfully boring, I think. My greatest growth, my deepest learning has come during times of change. We don't need an absence of change, we just need a better attitude when we face it.

Victor Frankl said it better: "What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of him. What he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him."

Dealing with Doubt/Go Deep

Doubt comes on strong when you're faced with a new and challenging situation, which is like, what, maybe 95% of our lives these days?

New technologies are being introduced all the time. There are constant realignments in the workplace. Realignments require new procedures and processes to get the work done. Typically, restructures result in fewer people doing more work. Stress levels rise. Doubt, fears, and uncertainties move in.

In the middle of it all, it's so important to remember the things that got you where you are in the first place:

• Your in-born talents--those natural giftings that make you who you are and that come through for you with each task. Those talents helped you get the job you have now and, as you've engaged them in your work, they've helped you succeed. You own these. They don't go away with the changes.


• Your learned skills--the expertise you've gained by doing the work. As you encounter and manage each new situation, you obtain new skills that make you more and more valuable. Not only do you have more skills to engage as tools, you have patterns of learning that will serve you well in a changing future.


• Your earned experiences--the maturity that comes from scraped knuckles and bruised ribs. This includes not just the knowledge of new situations, but the seasoning of facing trials, persevering and coming through successfully to the other side.

You have a lot on your side that will help you in times of change. So keep your head about you and remember what you have.

Here's an appropriate thought from Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Don't waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow in the future."

Dealing with Doubt/Think About It

Do you have difficulty with doubt?

I do. If you're a man and you're breathing, you struggle with uncertainty about your ability to cope with not only the knowns of life, but the unknowns as well.

I found this notable quote from Tom Peters on a Web site called wisdomquotes.com:

"If you're not confused, you're not paying attention."

How true! Doubt is partially a by-product of an active mind. Think about how much information we take in each and every day. Consider how, in the midst of our incredibly busy lives, we have to catalogue and categorize all this information and then do something useful with it.

Then count all the nonsensical information we take in as well. Is it any wonder that we can't cope with it all? To some extent, uncertainty is an outcropping of our inability to resolve everything that's on our mind.

But doubt is also something that comes from within the heart. Doubt is a fear that emerges from deep inside us when we're faced with a seemingly insurmountable challenge--either real or imagined--and we forget all of our own in-born talents, our learned capabilities, and our earned experiences. And if we let doubt win out, ultimately our own will, our desire to persevere, fades.

Consider this thought from Jane Addams: "Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might win, by fearing to attempt."

How do we face the fear within, persevere, and win? Think about it and we'll talk more on Wednesday.

Lawn Lessons/Part Three

When I met the new husband of one long-term customer, he had a white bandage around his neck. Having lost his larynx to cancer, his words came in laborious gulps. Apparently noticing my questioning look as I strained to understand him, he said, "Don't...smoke...or you'll talk...like...this." I didn't and still don't to this day.

From the retired fire inspector and his wife, I learned that a mix of idleness and alcohol creates a deadly toxin that can dissolve a respected life into a soup of sloppy silliness.

And if you haven't heard, life's not always fair. Sometimes people will take advantage of others--a hard lesson to learn for the first time.

I once accepted a job to mow a vacant lot owned by one of my new customers. He described the size of the lot and, sight unseen, I quoted $5 for the job. When my father drove me up to the location, I realized I had been had. The lot was used for junk storage, with pieces of rusted equipment strewn all over and only partially hidden by the three-foot-tall weeds.

It was my dad who taught me that day. Keep your word. But there's no reason to be taken twice. I worked for the better part of a full day to finish. I received my $5, but quoted four times that amount to do the same job again--and only if it were done within a month's time. It wasn't surprising that I never heard from that customer again.

I look back on those as productive days. The spending money and sunshine were only part of the good I received. Each encounter left me with something new. It built my character and prepared me for life.

Now, more than three decades later, I have my own family, my own home and lawn. And, believe it or not, I still enjoy keeping a well-manicured yard. But I'm thinking seriously about hiring some young person to mow it. Instead of ridiculing the looks or behavior of the teenager down the street, why not pay for the privilege of speaking a lesson into his life?

Lawn Lessons/Part Two

Mr. Gilmore saw the past. A time when the western sun beat down on parched plains and a constant breeze spun the windmills that drew life-quenching water to the surface. A time when sod houses were the only shelters and every person who staked a claim in the West Texas wilderness was a pioneer. And when he spoke of it, he would point as if to show me the exact locations of every fence post, coyote and cowhand.

From Mr. Gilmore, I learned to appreciate those who built our country. The sacrifices they made, and the ingenuity and commitment they showed in the face of hardship, were things worth emulating in my own life.

The lessons piled up summer after summer as I plowed through yards of grass, earning a teen's wage and listening to and observing my customers.

Mr. Sims paid me $1.60 an hour--plus a hot lunch--to mow his lawn and keep his garden. He taught me that there's a certain way to do things and, if you follow what's proven, you'll reap a benefit in due season. Mr. Sims was big, and he was stern at first. But I learned that respect and even friendship can be earned if you're dependable and you follow orders--when they're given. Things, and people, are not always what they first appear to be.

When Mr. Sims passed away, I learned from the anguished eyes of his widow that a strong, kind and steadfast man will cultivate an undying love and loyalty in a woman.

Another customer was a 75-year-old widow who still worked five days a week at a local clothing shop. Mingling with people, she would say, kept her young. She taught me that attitude makes all the difference and that a smile is the quickest way to make friends. She was one of my favorite customers.

Sometimes the lessons that came were disturbing and life-altering.

(continued on Friday)

Lawn Lessons/Part One

A Reminiscence:

The contrast always filled me with a sense of relief.

After finishing the final row of the last lawn at the end of the day, I would cut power to my mower's engine and enjoy a bit of quiet.

But only for awhile. The day wasn't completely done. The grass catcher still had to be emptied, the plastic leaf bags tied and taken to the curb. And, then, there was the conversation.

It was an understood protocol. Even as a 14-year-old I knew that you didn't just ask for your pay. Not in Amarillo, Texas. Not with someone your senior. Polite conversation always came first.

With Mr. Gilmore, it was easy to begin. He was always waiting for me in the shade of his large front porch. I'd lean on the steps, raise my ball cap and push the sweat back into my hair. Then I'd look up in the sky and with a shake of my head say, "It sure is a hot one today." That's all it took.

Mr. Gilmore stared straight ahead. His eyes pushed out against thick lenses because of the thyroid condition he suffered. Though it seemed he couldn't see past the yard and into the street, his vision reached beyond what my young eyes could perceive.

(continued Wednesday)

Choosing A Path/Live It!

On this December 7, Pearl Harbor Day, I remember my father who at the age of 16 implored his dad to sign papers that would allow him to enter World War II.

To my father at that age, I'm sure joining the Navy seemed like a step into adventure. But I'm betting it was also seen as an escape from school books, the tedium of garden and animal chores, and the crowded conditions shared with three brothers and two sisters in a small, four-room house.

The reality, I think, was a rude awakening. His assignment on Navy repair ships was hard work and not nearly as glamorous as he had imagined. But helping to fix ships while at sea led him into a career that was his ticket out of poverty. He learned the trade of electrician and eventually became a Chief Petty Officer, supervising crews of men repairing electric motors and troubleshooting electrical problems.

He turned that experience into a career that served him and his family well.

You never can tell what will start you down the road of a career. So often, it happens in the course of normal living. As we are exposed to different possibilities, we begin to see what we're good at, what we enjoy, what other people appreciate in us. We begin to be directed to a certain path and become successful, find fulfillment, grow, and become more valuable to those who hire us. And a career happens.

Think about a couple of other things. First, tune in to your heart. Know your heart's desire. What would you like to do more than anything else? What would it take to be able to do it? Make some plans and move in that direction. You are more valuable to an employer when you're happy than when you're bored and unfulfilled. Life is short. Pursue your dreams.

Also, pay attention to the circumstances around you. Sometimes the things we dread become great opportunities. My career out of college fell flat. I was devastated. But the bitter pill led to a new field that suited me much better than the first. The career I have now is the one that keeps me engaged and challenged.

And don't forget the people around you. The relationships that you form and build are the lasting tributes to a life well-lived.

Choosing a Path/Go Deep

Oddly enough, one of the keys to knowing yourself is to know others.

Think about the people in your life that fit two categories: People in a position to know you well and people who care about you.

Naturally, the people who know you best are the people who spend a lot of time around you. Think also about those who see you respond under a variety of different circumstances. Who sees you when you're under pressure? Who sees how you work with others? Who works with you enough to know how you think? Who knows your personality?

Consider which of these you trust and admire for their wisdom--their solid thinking and living. Then find some time to talk with them about who they say you are.

Some questions you can ask:

• What would you say are my top three strengths?
• What are the three things I should work on?
• When you see me at my very best, what am I doing?
• What do I do that benefits you the most?
• What do I do that makes you feel good when you see me doing it?

You may have to probe deeper to get the insights that will help you understand who you are at your best. Compare these insights with your own feelings. Ask yourself the same questions. How do the answers you get from others line up, confirm or contradict what you sense?

As you determine what truly are your strengths, understand that those strengths can be applied in a lot of different life situations--work, relationships, hobbies, charities. In other words, you don't have to think about work alone. Your greatest fulfillment may not come with a career, but with all the living that goes on after the job.

Realize that it takes time to flesh out who you are. It takes a lifetime of experiences to find your best self and to begin living life in a way that takes advantage of those strengths. It's one of the advantages of being in your fifties. You've lived enough life that--if you've been paying attention--you pretty well know your sweet spots.

Choosing a Path/Think About It

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

It's one of the hardest questions we face as men, and it comes awfully early in life. Many of us struggle with it. Some our entire life, never quite sure that we've found that singular thing that we were made for.

I'm not necessarily talking about a career; although as men we do tend to use our job title as a plumb line for who we are. I want to talk about more, because we are more than our job.

In essence, I'll be talking about finding yourself--no easy task in today's world. First, you have to make a living. Once that's taken care of, there is the living that happens outside the workplace. Both demand a great deal of your time and energy, especially if family is involved. It's easy to get lost in the crunch. Taking care of business--an important thing to do--can keep you from achieving this primary task that often fills your mind during the quiet moments.

But on top of that is the way others try to define us--not only the people in our life but this world that we live in. There's no end of inputs that attempt to push us to be certain things that others define as the ideal. Very confusing.

The fact is, only you can determine who you are. But the journey to uncover that discovery does involve others. You just have to have the maturity to seek out the right people for insights and then to discern what input is valuable to you and what should be discarded.

How can I describe this process? It is so individual and so illusive. Yet, I can give you some insights that have helped me on this journey--a trail that I'm still following myself.

Think about the people in your life, those that you admire and trust, those that know you.
And we'll talk Wednesday.

Male Bashing Commercials 3

I'm ending this three-part series on male-bashing commercials with my "worst of the worst" pick among television spots that have run in the recent past.

I couldn't believe this when I first saw it.

Years ago, V-8 Juice promoted its nutritional drink with a clever series of commercials that featured men and women slapping themselves on the forehead with the palm of their hand saying, "I could have had a V-8!" The catchy phrase really caught on and viewers likewise caught the point--why not choose a nutritious drink rather than an unhealthy snack?

Apparently to keep up with the times, the V-8 folks updated the idea recently with a commercial showing the husband making poor food choices and his wife slapping him on the forehead with the palm of her hand while saying, "You could have had a V-8!" Not just once or twice, but three or four times in the same thirty second spot.

So let's compare. In the original spots, individuals were upbraiding themselves when they made a poor food choice. In the new version, it takes a nutrition-savvy wife to make sure her dimwitted husband eats right. And it takes a slap to his forehead to what? Get his attention... make the point clearer...bring him into compliance?

Think I'm overreacting? Let's imagine turning the tables then. Let's take the same exact commercial with the wife making poor food choices and the husband upbraiding her with a slap to her forehead with the palm of his hand, smiling as he says, "You could have had a V-8!" Just how fast do you think it would take the PC police to be picketing the V-8 Juice headquarters with charges of spousal abuse?

Apparently, others may have reacted the same as I did to the commercial. I only saw it once. It must have had a very short run. On the plus side of the column, it was memorable. On the minus side, it was memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Let's hope some V-8 execs are upbraiding themselves with a slap to the forehead and saying, "I could have had some forethought!"

Take care till next week.

Male Bashing Commercials 2

As I mentioned in Male Bashing Commercials 1, a recurring theme on today's sitcoms is dimwitted parents being out-thought, out-maneuvered, and out-classed by their smart aleck children.

Incredibly, that same theme seems to find its way into commercials. From a strategic perspective, the approach just doesn't make sense to me. Who is the company selling to? The kids? If parents are your patrons, what are you gaining by portraying them as people who are constantly being shown up by juveniles? I don't know about you, but I have a strict policy of not spending money with people who insult me.

A case in point is a recent commercial for AIG, a financial services company. The ad opens in a school lunchroom with boys about sixth grade level talking about their parents.

Rather than the typical complaints about parents being too strict or out of touch, these boys are talking in grown-up terms about their parents not handling their financial futures in a responsible manner. The camera pans down the table with each boy responding to the next with a different "I can't believe it" statement about his parents.

One boy says, "I mentioned the need for life insurance to my dad and he looked at me like I had two heads!" as he shakes his head in disbelief. Every boy makes a similar observation. The commercial ends with the name of the company and a suggestion to call. Yeah, right!

Not only is this an overused comedic device that is no longer funny, it's down-right insulting to adults and perpetuates a sense that parents--and especially dads--have below par intelligence.

The solution to this is to have these big-time ad agency copy writers spend a month with a pack of sixth-grade boys dealing with their forgotten homework, dirty underwear, spit wads, and endless whining. God love 'em (the boys, not the copy writers).

Male Bashing Commercials 1

From time-to-time, I need a break from the serious and I'm betting you do too.

So occasionally, I'm going to mix things up by sharing some of my pet peeves. This week I'm updating my list of male-bashing commercials. At times, it's not too serious, just good clean fun. But at other times, the damage to the image of men is fairly significant and--if nothing else--men need to be aware of which sponsors are hurting them.

Let's start with the fun and move to the more serious.

Capital One has a series of commercials that I actually like featuring a hapless, but enthusiastic father who chooses the wrong credit card. He has a doosey of a time collecting the reward points on his off-brand card, but does his best to make the best of a bad situation.

In a recent ad, the dad's reward points have expired (he should have chosen the card with non-expiring points). So instead of vacationing in some lush paradise, he has to take the family to see far, far distant relatives--a group of supposed cannibals. Upon landing on the shore of some distant island, the father greets a group of wary natives who aren't quite sure what to think about this smiling tourist with family in tow.

Dad ends up full of poisoned darts and being carted off vanquished-pig style with hands and feet bound around a pole. His response to the rude reception: "See kids, they do things first class here. Hey, something smells good!"

Part of the reason this series doesn't bother me is that it is obvious comedy. And, it's well-done comedy. It's a spoof and not a purposeful slap against dads everywhere. However, the commercial does lose a couple of points for inserting snotty kids that are smarter than the dad--a theme we see way too much of these days.

But overall, I'll give this commercial three stars out of four for comedic relief and at a neutral score on male bashing. That's better than the two coming up Wednesday and Friday. Tune in!

Lessons on a Raft/Live It!

In my dozen or so times on the river, I've been in the water once (unplanned) and have pulled fellow crew members out of the water two different times. This past summer, after successfully navigating a tough series of Class Four/Five rapids in the Royal Gorge area, our guide informed us that another rafting company had lost a crew member in the same passage the week before.

So more than a few times I've appreciated the preparation given us before we launch into the whitewater.

Rafting is obviously serious business. But it's also a lot of fun. Between the rapids, on calm parts of the river, you have a chance to look around and enjoy the scenery. The conversation is always good. There is something about a shared experience that allows men to open up and communicate deeper. You learn a lot about those you work with. After every rapid, there's a celebratory high five with the paddles.


Life is a lot like that. Having a team that helps you through the rough times and then joins you in celebrating the good times makes the journey worth the effort. Don't forget to take advantage of the calm times, no matter how short. Enjoy the scenery that's around you in the moment. Enjoy those who are close to you as well. Together, you share this journey and there are times when you will count on one another to get through to the other side.

Whitewater on the river is created by the combination of fast-moving water and boulders--some seen easily because they stick out of the water and stand in your path. But some are hidden under the water. The only thing you can see is the turbulence created by the water being diverted over the rock.

This is when you need an experienced guide, someone who has been through these waters before. Sometimes, the guide gives commands "right" or "left" to move the raft around the hazard. But, at times, the guide knows that the best route is over the rock and he calls for more power. You paddle with all your heart to get over the hump so you can move on down the river and not get high-centered.

Again, a lot like life, some hazards are best avoided, especially if you can identify them in advance. Somethings, though, you don't know what's causing the turbulence around you and you just have to power through. A key to succeeding is to be aware, to pay attention. It always helps, though, to have a guide who has travelled these waters before and can advise you.

My last life lesson out of this illustration is a rather personal one. As I mentioned above, I've been in the water and have had to be pulled back into the raft. I've done the same for others. The proper method for pulling someone back into the boat puts the responsibility fully on the person IN the boat. The person in the water must find the raft, grab the side and hang on till help arrives.

The crew member opposite the person in the water drops his paddle in the raft, goes to the fallen crew member, grabs him by his life vest at the shoulder, and pulls him straight up. The buoyancy created by the water makes it easier to lift. But as you are lifting, you also fall backwards into the raft. Your own weight becomes a significant tool in bringing the person fully out of the water and he falls on top of you in the raft. At that point, you both scramble to find your paddles and rejoin the crew in fighting the rapid.

At times in life, you let go of what seems important and turn your attentions to saving part of your crew. You give it all you have as if your life depended on it as well. You pull them back into the raft so they can rejoin the team and help the raft make it through the rapids and back to the safety of headquarters.

That's what it means to be part of a team.

Lessons on a Raft/Go Deep

Lesson two: A day of rafting begins with preparation. That involves proper equipment, necessary training, and practice.

First comes the piece of equipment that makes success possible, the paddle. Then everyone is fitted with a helmet and a life vest that fit snugly—both contingencies that keep you afloat and safe from injury. In case you do end up in the water, you want to be pulled out in good shape so the journey can continue with a complete crew (refer to Lesson One).

Then your guide covers the instructions:

• the need to listen carefully and follow instructions fully


• the importance of moving together so your paddles aren’t fighting each other and you deliver maximum power


• the need to respond quickly to orders and to interpret correctly the urgency in the guide’s voice so you can respond with proper intensity


• the emergencies to expect and how to act in each case
  

Practice starts with everyone in the boat on dry land. Talk about feeling silly. The guide delivers instructions and the crew goes through the motions together. The theory: it’s better to make mistakes on dry land than untested in the middle of the real deal. Plus, it’s amazing the confidence a few dry runs can build.

The next practice happens in the water, not in the rapids but in a calm, slow-moving part of the river. Again, the crew has a chance to apply what's been learned and see exactly how the raft responds while on water. Suddenly, head knowledge becomes experiential when the commands and actions are translated into a real setting.

Now, with the equipment, training and practice under their belts, the crew's ready for their first real test. It's time to tackle a rapid. And that's when the real lessons start.

Lessons on a Raft/Think About It

When I go rafting, learning lessons is usually the last thing on my mind. I’m looking for a break. I’m thinking sunshine, fresh air, whitewater, and good exercise with good friends.

But sometimes, I can’t help myself. Everything about my rafting experiences on the Arkansas River this summer kept bringing to mind practical lessons about how a team should work.

In the same way shooting the rapids is an apt metaphor for navigating the troubles of life, the teamwork involved when seven people power a rubber raft through the chaos of those water hazards is a great example of how a team should act in order to succeed.

The first lesson: Rafting is about the team, not the individual.

Rafting ideally involves seven people—six paddling (three on either side) to provide the power and steering. A guide sits high on the back of the raft so he can see the river ahead, call out orders and steer with his own paddle.

The paddling provides forward motion. It sounds strange that you need forward movement while sitting in a rubber raft on a river that’s flowing at 1,800 cubic feet per second; but power makes control possible. Without it, you flow with the river on its terms, going where it takes you. And you will undoubtedly end up in the river rather than staying on top of the river.

It takes all seven people to make it through a Class Five rapid with an eight-foot drop and a series of boulders that have to be dodged. Everyone is important. No one is more important than the other. When they all work together, they successfully finish together. If not, they don’t. It’s that simple.

There is so much in today’s media that glorifies the individual. The star actor gets top billing, the football receiver gets to dance in the end zone, and the top cyclist wears the yellow jersey. But in every case, there’s a team that made the win possible. It’s always that way.

What team are you a part of? Do you want your team to win? Think about it!

A Modern-Day Parable/Chapter Three

It was a bitter-sweet day when the father announced a new routine to his son.

"You can ride faster than I can run and I don't want to hold you back," the father said. "I want you to do the best you can and you are so very fast."

So the two developed a new plan together. Every week, they tackled a different route. The father carried a stop watch that he would start when they both took off. But the father would cover a shorter distance that insured he would finish first. Then, he would stand by at the designated finish line and would encourage his son as he raced past.

The father and son would share their experiences, talk over problems they were having with equipment or muscle strains, and plan ways to improve on their performances. The son's cycling prowess grew and he became very competitive in the field. The father was able to maintain his fitness.

And their relationship remained strong. The father thought that was the most valuable outcome of all their work together.

The day came when the son added a trailer to the back of his bicycle and introduced an enthusiastic little rider into his and his father's routine. She loved the wind whipping past her face and the thrill of moving fast. And the father--now a grandfather--would do his speed walking and then stand at the finish line and cheer the duo on.

And so goes life. You start out pushing and coaching and encouraging. Then you move to coaching and encouraging. And you end by encouraging. You end well by encouraging.

A Modern-Day Parable/Chapter Two

It wasn't long before the son graduated to wheels he could power himself.

His father saw this as an exciting opportunity. He bought him the biggest bike his son could handle and equipped him with training wheels, helmet, elbow and knee guards.

The running sessions slowed down for awhile, with the dad giving instructions, pushing and steering at the same time. When his son was able, the father would run ahead and encourage his son who steered on his own and peddled as fast as he could to keep up.

But his dad was always encouraging, telling his son that soon he would be cycling as fast as his father could run. Sure enough, it wasn't long before his son could keep up with him. He grew through several bikes and eventually people would see the pair moving together through the neighborhood side by side.

At times, the son would move out in front of his dad. Afterall, why have 24 gears if you can't use them. But, he always stayed close. At times, the father would ask the son to pick the route of the day. He liked the excitement of seeing his son make new choices and take the lead. And he always encouraged his son with praise when the route was tough or exciting or new.

For many years, they moved together like this--the father running and the son cycling. But time takes a toll and eventually the father realized he could no longer keep up. His slowing pace was holding up his son's progress.

A Modern-Day Parable/Chapter One

There was a man who loved to run. Every day he managed to break a sweat covering his favorite routes. For him, it was more than exercise. It was time to think, time away from the routine. It was a way to push his limits, to expand his horizons. It was a way to expand his world, to explore places people normally experienced in a slight glance from the car.

The man was also the father of a boy. He loved his son and determined to include him in his favorite pass time.

He began when his son was very young, pushing him in a sports stroller. His son took to running--or, rather, riding--right away. He really liked the wind in his face, the rush of the wheels under his feet, and the words his father would speak in between heavy breaths.

It wasn't long before the son was meeting his dad at the door at their appointed time, with his outdoor clothes and miniature tennis shoes in tow. Rain or shine, the two would hit the pavement together.


The father would talk with his son about where they would explore that day. He'd tell him why he slowed at certain points and sped up at others. He'd show him familiar spots where significant events happened. He taught his son as he pushed forward, sharing his hurts, his hopes, his doubts and his encouragements.

The day came, though, when his son outgrew the carriage and their routine had to change.

Finding Home/Live It!

In the movie "Field of Dreams," Ray Kinsella obediently follows the direction of a supernatural voice. As a result, he sees positive things happen for the men around him; but he begins to wonder what's in it for him.

After all, Ray's the one that plowed his corn field under, but it was Shoeless Joe Jackson that gets redemption in the form of a return to baseball. Ray's the one that built a lighted baseball field in the middle of nowhere, but it's Dr. Archibald Graham that gets resolution on his question of a lost dream. Ray's the one who put his family's financial future in jeopardy, but it was Terrance Mann who is revitalized by being chosen for a grand adventure.

Ray finally declares, what about me?

I believe there was a reason Ray's need came last. It was only as Ray aided others through their journey that he began to relive his own. As a rebellious teen, Ray became estranged from his father through a series of defiant acts--refusing to play catch and then insulting his dad's hero, Shoeless Joe. He and his father never reconciled. Ray got busy. Then, his father passed and it was too late.

The deep hurt that reigned in the undercurrents of Ray's soul was his need for reconciliation with his father. Sound familiar? All men, at some time and at some level, feel that they have disappointed their father. We may be able to suppress the feeling for a time. But, as we grow older, our experiences teach us that our dad was deeper than we perceived with our young eyes. And, if nothing else, we did not give him the respect he deserved.

The benevolent voice--true to his gracious nature--grants Ray an opportunity for reconciliation. Ray's father appears as a young baseball player on the Kinsella's magical field. Ray recognizes him and joins him in a conversation, introducing him to the daughter-in-law and granddaughter that he never had a chance to meet in life. Before his father leaves, Ray invites him to "have a catch" and the movie ends as they share the symbolic closeness of a game of catch.

Reconciliation. How sweet it would be if we could reconcile with our fathers, if we could redeem all errors and resolve all doubts, and if we could be revitalized with renewed purpose of life.

As a Christian, I know it is possible because I've experienced it. That's what Christ's sacrifice on the cross was about. He reconciled me to my Father in heaven. He redeemed my errors by paying the price for my sin. He resolved all my questions because I know God is truly watching over me in all situations. He revitalized me with an eternal purpose.

Terrance Mann has a great line in "Field of Dreams." When explaining to Ray that people will come from all over to watch baseball games in a corn field and will pay whatever Ray asks for the privilege, Terrance says it's because "it's money they have, but peace that they lack."

It's a great line, but it also represents my breaking point with the author of this story. Baseball will not provide the peace you're hungering for. It will take intervention from a gracious, supernatural being. His name is God the Father, and His "voice" in this world is Jesus Christ.

This is one I hope you truly will live!
Take care till next week.

Finding Home/Go Deep

Although he doesn't realize it at the time, Ray Kinsella in "Field of Dreams" is offered the chance of a lifetime. A supernatural intervener hands Ray an opportunity to not only find home for himself, but to help three other men reach home plate as well.

Each man faces a different demon--a different disappointment that has left him at some level dry and incomplete.

Ray's ultimate need is the most universal of all men; but it is revealed slowly throughout the movie as Ray follows his intervener's urgings and interacts with the men he helps. And the solution does not come till the very end. So, we'll save Ray for last.

Ray's first sojourner is Shoeless Joe Jackson, a former baseball player who was at the top of his game in the early days of professional ball. But he fell from grace when he accepted a bribe to throw a playoff game. Even though his performance was stellar during that game and no one could see evidence that he purposefully threw it, he was still banned from the game for life.

Ghostly and yet physical at the same time, Shoeless shows up to play baseball on Ray's corn field diamond. Mistakenly, Ray believes that Shoeless is the "he" in "build it and he will come."

Shoeless represents the man who--through his own error--has been disqualified from a life pursuit that is at the very core of who he is. Shoeless laments at one point that he would have played the game for free because he loved it so much. Ray's magical diamond somehow makes that possible again--a gracious outpouring of redemption for Shoeless who by all rights (dead and buried) had no chance of reaching his personal home plate.

The next to join Ray's journey is Terence Mann, a once successful writer who has become disillusioned with life. Once, full of fire and aspirations to make the world a better place, he has grown cold in the face of (in his opinion) the continual failure of society to pursue higher ideals. In essence, he hermits himself away from the world, desiring to protect himself from the disappointment he sees rather than engaging the world to make a difference.

Mann's need is revitalization. He craves something to believe in again, something that will make his life rich with excitement. A reason to get up in the morning. An adventure worth his commitment, his energy, his life. Once again, Ray's unseen protagonist gives Mann what he needs and offers him the incredible opportunity to explore what's beyond the corn field and to write about it for others.

The final of Ray's three companions is Dr. Archibald Graham, known as "Moonlight" Graham in his younger years when he pursued the game of baseball in the minor leagues. But "Moonlight" never got a chance at bat in the majors and instead found himself in medical school and living out his life as a small-town doctor.

Although his career as a physician was exemplary, Dr. Graham always wondered what his life would have been like if he had gotten that time at bat in the majors and had made the hit that would have propelled him into a major league career. Once again, Ray's field offers the young "Moonlight" Graham his chance at bat against the major leaguers who would have been his contemporaries back in the day.

It's hard to explain unless you've seen the movie, but circumstances cause "Moonlight" to firmly choose being Dr. Graham so he can save a young girl's life. He makes the choice, knowing that he can never go back, and he does save the little girl. Dr. Graham finally knows that he made the right decision in life and everyone confirms his choice. He was meant to be a doctor. Finally, resolution.

I think all men have unresolved "what if" questions about their lives. Can you imagine gaining final resolution on those questions, knowing for certain that it couldn't have been any better than it turned out to be.

Redemption, revitalization, and resolution are all possible. We'll talk more about that on Friday and about Ray's need--our deepest need--and how there is final restoration.

Finding Home/Think About It

I found myself watching "Field of Dreams" the other night. I say "found myself" because it wasn't something I had planned. I've watched the movie at least four times through completely and then portions of it umpteen other times. I didn't intend to spend my evening revisiting something that is so familiar.

However, I got started and found myself caught up once again in this fantasy. There's something about it that speaks to my soul. I believe it speaks to the soul of every man--a guy's movie without the blood and guts. If you'll indulge me, I'll tell you why.

If you're not sure which movie I'm talking about, here's a brief reminder: Kevin Cosner plays a sixties survivor turned farmer who seemingly loses his mind. Hearing a supernatural voice that urges him to "build it and he will come," Ray proceeds to plow under his promising corn crop and constructs a baseball field in its place putting his family's financial welfare in jeopardy as he pursues an intangible answer to a gnawing need.

Cosner's character, Ray Kinsella, is joined in this journey by three other men (two deceased and one alive but reticent to believe Ray's story) who are also seeking what they can't attain for themselves--redemption, revitalization, resolution, and restoration.

In short, they are all seeking home. And by "home" I don't mean that place where we park the car at night, throw our dirty socks on the floor, and settle into our easy chair to watch TV. I'm talking about home plate.

Deep down, I believe it's every man's desire to score in life. But life isn't always accommodating. Somewhere between the at-bat circle and home plate, aspirations are dashed by roadblocks and errors that trip us up, slow us down, divert us, delay us, or take us off course and disqualify us for the game altogether.

When that deep disappointment happens, where do we look for answers? Think about it and we'll explore each man's need Wednesday.

When Did Truth Become Relative/Live It!

It's telling that out of the seven things that the Bible says God hates, two involve lying.


"There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers." (Proverbs 6:16-19)



The Old Testament book of Proverbs is a treatise to young men filled with practical advice for successful living. The bottom-line of the book is that if you want a full and prosperous life, you'll observe certain precepts of personal discipline and relational etiquette.



Lying falls into the category of "really bad moves" not only for the damage it creates in others' lives, but for the fallout you reap in your own life when you spread falsehoods. Here are some examples:

• whatever you gain from lying will be lost quickly


• lying eventually leads to personal destruction


• lying will bring personal shame and disgrace


• a false witness will cause permanent losses


• a leader who lies will be embarrassed and worse


• a liar will lose his freedom


• a false witness won't get away with his lies and will be punished


• the fortune made by a lying tongue will become a trap that leads to personal destruction


• a liar hates those he hurts

You've seen it. People may get away with it for a time and even seem successful in the midst of it. But, the lies do come home to roost, and then there's hell to pay. Literally. (Can you say Enron?)

You must make a personal decision to resist the temptation of lying in order to protect yourself, damage another person, or to gain. The way you do this is to make the determination NOT to resort to lying before the tempting situation ever presents itself.



Then you practice honesty in the small stuff, like returning money when you receive more change than you're due and admitting a mistake rather than making up something to cover your tracks. Then you apply honesty to the larger stuff, like not exaggerating your resume and not cheating on your income tax. Eventually, you build a habit of truthfulness to the point that even when you're blindsided by a tough situation, your first response is honesty.



It's a good place to be. Tough at times, but the rewards of a life honestly lived are sweet.



'Talk at you next week.

When Did Truth Become Relative?/ Go Deep

Why is lying such an atrocity? Oops--did I use the "L" word? Pardon my political incorrectness. But that's part of what is so disturbing about this truthless trend in our culture today. Not only do people routinely speak falsehoods to gain their way, no one seems willing to hold them accountable and call a lie a lie.

All the reporter who was interviewing Garamendi would have had to do to expose the untruth in the Lt. Governor's statement would have been to cite McHale's figures of available National Guard and then ask, "How is it that you have not called for any of those available troops if the fire fighting effort is in such dire need of that manpower?"

I believe it is often a lack of preparation on the part of reporters that allows these lies to go unchecked. At times it's a lack of resolve to ask the hard questions. But more disturbing, it seems that at other times the reporter's ideology is in line with the speaker's position and, therefore, why question the untruth when it serves a mutual ideology?

But I digress.

At the core of all lying is a selfishness that by definition puts self above the welfare of others. Think about it. People lie to protect themselves when they've done something that has wronged others. People lie to benefit themselves over the interests of others. And when people say they are lying to protect someone, don't believe it. More than likely they are protecting themselves from handling an unpleasant responsibility.

Now, consider that lying is becoming an accepted element of the relational landscape. It seems that if it serves your interests, it's okay to use untruth as a tool. It's also often an effective tool, which makes it all the more attractive to apply. Then consider how lying seems to be reaching into the highest levels of government, business, education and a myriad of other social institutions.

Where does it leave us as a society? In deep trouble.

So how do we turn it around? I believe it starts with me and it starts with you.

When Did Truth Become Relative?/Think About It!

truth \ˈtrüth\ noun 2a (1): the state of being the case : fact (2): the body of real things, events, and facts : actuality

The Merriam-Webster dictionary seems to have good handle on what "truth" is. Truth is fact. Truth is what is actual. Yet, today, we continually see people play fast and loose with the truth. We hear people speak words as if they represented facts when in actuality they have no relationship with what is real.

One of the most visible examples of this untruth telling happened this past week when California Lt. Governor John Garamendi said outright that the United States war effort in Iraq was keeping National Guard assets overseas and unavailable to help state and local authorities fight fast-moving wildfires in Southern California. In effect, and in the context of his comments, Garamendi wanted to blame President George W. Bush for the widespread devastation. (Apparently, the dry conditions and 70 m.p.h. winds had less to do with the uncontrollable fire than President Bush's policy decisions.)

And yet, about that same time, Assistant Defense Secretary Paul McHale answered a reporter's question by saying "unequivocally" that the war in Iraq has had no negative effect on the federal government's ability to assist civilian authorities in fighting the quickly spreading fires. In fact, according to McHale, there were about 17,000 National Guard available at that time to assist with the fire-fighting effort; but they were not needed and apparently neither state nor local authorities had asked for their involvement.

"There is no manpower shortage," McHale said flatly. (See FoxNews.com story by Associated Press Writer Pauline Jelinek, October 23, 2007.)

I'm not intending to be political. It's just that Garamendi's misstatement of the facts is a great example of an unfortunate trend we're seeing in today's culture. Many are stating opinion or perceptions or even well-strategized propaganda as if they were presenting the truth. We especially see it in politics today--both on the left and the right. It's a travesty, and it's making its way into everyday life.

At one time in this country, truth was a higher principle that trumped any human agenda. But it seems that--today--truth very often takes a back seat to whatever goal an individual or organization sets as the priority. Afterall, the end does justify the means, doesn't it?

My question to you is a personal one? Will you be one of those who considers truth sacred? Will you be one who will speak the truth even when it hurts? Will you be a man of integrity? Think about it!

The Incredible Life/Live It!

What was it about Darryl Stingley that moved him to live an inspired and accomplished life after a career-ending and crippling injury? According to New England Patriots CEO Robert Kraft it was Stingley's positive and generous attitude.

"He (Stingley) was passionate about his faith and his family and always showed compassion for others," said Kraft in a Patriot press release (http://www.patriots.com/). "In my conversations with Darryl, he always spoke of the future, not the past. I don't think he ever held grudges and I know that he was uncomfortable accepting anyone's sympathy. He wanted to find ways to positively impact the lives of those around him and did so throughout his life."

He certainly did. In addition to being a consultant for the Patriots from his home in Chicago for 12 years following his injury, Stingley:

• Wrote a memoir of his life and of his injury titled Happy to Be Alive in 1983.


• Returned to Purdue University in 1991 to complete his studies and receive a bachelor in arts degree at the school's commencement ceremony in 1992.


• Founded the Darryl Stingley Youth Foundation in Chicago in 1993, with a mission to service the needs of the city's youth with an emphasis on assisting underprivileged at-risk children on the city's west side, where he grew up.


• Was inducted as a member of the Chicago Sports Hall of Fame and was awarded an honorary doctorate of humanities from Springfield (Mass.) College in 1985.
  

The lesson? Pain dealt Stingley the most terrible blow. With the wrong attitude, he could have lived a diminished life and many would have understood. Instead, with the right attitude, he lived an incredible life that many look upon and admire.

When pain comes knocking at your door, what attitude will you answer it with?

The Incredible Life/Go Deep

Darryl Stingley was the third of three first round draft picks selected by the NFL New England Patriots in 1973, according to a biographical article on the Pats official Web site. He showed great promise as a wide receiver in the three years to come.


But it was in 1977 that Darryl showcased his potential as one of the game's top receivers. According to ESPN, he finished the season with 39 catches, a 16.8-yard average and five touchdowns, a fantastic performance in an era when defensive backs were allowed to hit receivers all over the field. An era when receivers were fair game and helmet-to-helmet hits weren't illegal.


It was in the 1978 season, during an exhibition game with the Oakland Raiders, that Darryl took an especially violent hit that broke his neck and ended his football career. Instantly, he was paralyzed, a quadraplegic, and he spent the next 29 years in a wheelchair. He died April 5, 2007 from the multiple after-affects he suffered as a result of the injury.

Imagine being where this 26-year-old was following that injury, lying on the field, wondering what his life would be like from that point forward, asking the question "Why?" The signs weren't good. From that perspective, it's likely that the only thing one could see would be a diminished life.

Then what prompted Patriots Chairman and CEO Robert Kraft to say on the occasion of Stingley's death, "I had the pleasure of meeting Darryl on multiple occasions and was touched by his positive outlook on life."?

Kraft said more in a Patriots press release--all of it a glowing account of an inspirational life, filled with accomplishments born out of a positive attitude. Let's examine Stingley's incredible life after the pain in Friday's installment.

The Incredible Life/Think About It

As my bio explains, I've lived over a half century of life. Among the things I've observed: I don't see anyone escaping pain.

Pain comes to all who reside in the land of the living. Usually uninvited, it shows up at your door in many forms--disillusionment, disappointments, crushed dreams, broken relationships, diminishing health, catastrophic events, tragedy. No one, unfortunately, is immune. It would be nice to be able to buy a pass to avoid it, like in Monopoly. (If you find a vendor selling one of those get-out-of-pain-free cards, be sure and let me know.)

Knowing that it's inevitable, the question then becomes, "How will you deal with pain?"

It's an extremely important question, because how you deal with the pain that interrupts your life will determine whether you emerge with a diminished life or an incredible life.

Earlier this year, we were reminded of an incredible life that rose out of the ashes of devastating pain to truly soar--albeit from the vantage point of a wheel chair. His name was Darryl Stingley, former wide receiver for the NFL New England Patriots.

We'll explore the incredible life he built in the midst of pain beginning Wednesday. How do you deal with pain? Think about it!

The Essential Skill/Live It!

When it comes to applying good listening skills, you're really attempting to achieve more than just hearing. You're also trying to communicate that you ARE listening. Let's go there first.

How to communicate you're listening:

You show you're listening with your eyes more than with your ears. Are they focused on the person speaking or are they straying to your work, to the television, to other people or other distractions? Appropriate eye contact involves meeting the speaker's eyes and looking away briefly from time-to-time to ponder points. Then, to bring your attention back to the speaker with appropriate expressions.

Assume the same body posture as the person who is speaking. It's called "rapport" in certain professional circles. By assuming the same posture, you are gaining a rapport with the speaker and showing your sympathy and making a connection.

Don't answer the phone that rings. If the speaker pauses, say "they'll leave a message...you were saying?" What you are saying when you do that is "nothing is more important to me than what you are saying right now."

Techniques for truly listening:

Techniques for truly listening are basic common sense, but often not practiced. The goals of listening are to tune in, completely understand what you hear, retain it and to be able to repeat it later.

Eye contact is doing double duty in this case. If you have good, active eye contact, chances are better that you're staying tuned in to the speaker.

To make sure you're grasping what's being said, outline what you're hearing--whether in your mind or on paper. Generally, the speaker will make major points supported by sub-points. Organizing these keeps your mind active and increases your understanding. You'll also more likely retain the thought if you're actively mulling it over while listening.

From time to time, repeat back to your conversation partner what you've heard. Let them know that you're checking your understanding. That's flattering, not insulting, especially when you repeat it back correctly. You're proving yourself to be an interested listener.

These simple tips will not only help you be a better listener, they'll improve the connections you make with each interaction. And that translates to increased trust, credibility and opportunity.

See what a little listening will do.

The Essential Skill/Go Deep

Whenever my brothers and I were hard of hearing, my mom and dad would compare us to the stubborn mule that had to be hit between the eyes with a two-by-four to get his attention before he was ready to hear an order.

My parents never won many points with PETA; but they knew how to make three wayward boys pay attention.

You're not alone if your listening skills rate a "mule" score. Here are some of the typical issues that keep us from listening well:

• Drifting--Sometimes we just let our thoughts stray instead of tuning in to what another person is saying. Listening takes work, doesn't it. (Some days more than others.)
• Anticipating--At other times, we're thinking about our next statement rather than listening as the other person finishes his point. Like today's politicians, we're more concerned with what we have to say than hearing the other person. And consequently, we don't connect. We don't communicate.
• Stereotyping--Worse yet, we sometimes determine in advance what we think a person is going to say and take a defensive posture, blocking what is actually being said. (Again, politicians come to mind.)
• Dreaming--Much of the time, we're simply disinterested and our plans for the evening take center stage. In cases like this, the only time we tune in to the speaker is to gauge when he'll be finished so we can get on about our own business.

Any of these sound familiar? We're all guilty of one or more of these just about every day. Friday, I'll talk about some techniques that will help you with the essential skill. Get ready to listen up.

The Essential Skill/Think About It

One of the first seminars my employer out of college sent me to was a course on listening. Why was it so important that I learn how to be a better listener at the outset of my career? I don’t remember if they said why at the time. But often, I have been reminded that listening is perhaps THE most important skill you can exercise when dealing with people.

• How many of you who are in a significant relationship have had a problem communicating with your partner?
• How many of you have come across a problem at work that had at its core a miscommunication?
• Have you ever had a friendship go bust because of a misunderstanding due to bad communications?

Chances are good we could review every story that has popped into your head and at the root of the problem was a failure on someone’s part to listen carefully.

Beyond the problems, what about the opportunities that are lost when we fail to listen? Like the prospective client who drops a hint about a need your product or service could have met--if you had only been listening instead of thinking about your next line? Or like when your wife is talking about an issue with the kids and you're thinking about the game? (Oh right, like you've never done that!)

They've put together stats on how much the corporate world loses annually due to employees' lack of sleep. I wonder if they've ever calculated the losses due to "hard of hearing." How are your listening skills? Think about it and we'll talk more Wednesday.

Pressure Pop Your Cork?/Live It!

So what of Tulowitzki? The Rockies pulled out one more run to win the game and sweep the Phillies to move into the National League Championship Series. Tulowitzki's strike out wasn't fatal to the team, nor I suspect to the Rookie of the Year candidate's career.

So, the first lesson of keeping your cool under pressure: Realize that the stakes aren't your life! Mistakes happen, we don't always win. But life doesn't end because of it. How you respond is what counts. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. Use the experience to grow into someone better and stronger. Try again until you succeed.

Other thoughts:

• Think ahead about what it will take to do an excellent job. It's not the win. It's doing your best that represents success.


• Concentrate on the basics of what you're doing. Don't concern yourself about the results. If you take care of the basics, the results will take care of themselves.


• Focus on the moment. Don't drift. Don't think about either failure or success. What matters is what you're doing in the moment.


• Understand that people in the audience are on your side. Most of them would never be in your shoes and they don't want to witness a crash and burn. They are secretly rooting for you. Smile at them and they'll smile back.


• Plan ways to get some wins. Whatever plagues you (like a fear of speaking), find some ways to practice in a less threatening environment and get some wins. Practice and small successes breed confidence that will pay off later.
  

One of the first motivational films I saw was done by a psychologist who had a fear of heights. This was a lady who threw up at the thought of high places. To conquer this fear, she parachuted out of a plane. But not until after many hours of practicing jumping out of the plane while it was still on the runway.

She also took courage from her instructor who told her why he wasn't afraid of jumping out of a plane: "I pack my own chute." Prepare, practice, and focus. You'll do fine.

See you next week.

Pressure Pop Your Cork?/Go Deep

I really felt for Tulowitzki. Under the pressure of the moment, he struck out, hitting the ground with his bat in frustration. A lost opportunity. Men left on base. Inning over.

He's not alone. How many times do we see the NFL kicker miss the field goal after the opposing coach "freezes" him? How many times do we see the star NBA player miss the 3-pointer at the buzzer? What causes us to lose it when the pressure is on?

Based on my own experience, here's one theory: Fear leads to loss of focus which leads to failure which confirms the fear.


Fear. When I was practicing, I simply enjoyed the activity. I didn't think about what I was doing--it was play. And my performance was really pretty good. But when the game was on the line, when an audience was watching, fear moved to the front of the brain. Fear can be an overpowering emotion that breaks your concentration, clouds your judgment, momentarily erases your memory, and drops your performance in the dumper.

So what was I afraid of? Failing. Worse yet, failing in front of an audience. Everything I had learned, everything I'd practiced flew out the window when fear walked through the front door.

Focus was a no-show at that point. Rather than concentrating on the task at hand, I focused on the impending failure, the embarrassment, the disappointment. I started adding my own personal pressure to an already difficult situation. My train of thought derailed and my performance went along for the bumpy ride.

Inevitably, I would fail in the attempt. What a hit to the ego!

If you're not careful, if you don't find a way to turn it around, this pattern can move you into a downward spiral of repeat failures and it becomes difficult to ever get back on the winning trail.

The good news is you can change this pattern in your life. I did. Friday, I'll share some of the things I learned over the years and some of the techniques I've used to keep my head while under pressure.

Pressure Pop Your Cork?/Think About It

If you were watching the third game of the Colorado Rockies-Philadelphia Phillies National League Division Series this past weekend, you saw a situation unfold that was the very definition of pressure.

With a win, the Rockies would sweep the series. It was the seventh inning. The score tied. Colorado second baseman Kaz Matsui was at bat. Two outs. Matsui had burned the Phillies with a two-out RBI in the fifth, so they intentionally walk him. Next up? Rookie shortstop Tory Tulowitzki.

Now, what were the Phillies saying to Tulowitzki? "We think we can take you on and beat you. We know what Matsui can do, but we don't think you have what it takes."

Talk about pressure! I don't know about you, but this used to be automatic CHOKE country for me. For much of my young life, these situations brought on brain freeze. On the practice field, I would win the shortstop position. On the day of the game, I couldn't snag the easiest grounder. At music lessons, my play was perfect. At the recital, I would freeze on stage.

What about you? Does pressure put you off your game or, worse, bring on lock jaw? Think about why and we'll go deeper on Wednesday.

Use 'em While You Got 'em/Live It!

So you've got legs and want to use 'em? Welcome to the race!

In my initial vision-casting blog, I referred to "the more noble pursuits that represent the true calling of men." Among those are taking responsibility for your life, exercising foresight, and making plans. Three things you won't see men doing in a beer commercial.

Taking Responsibility. You've heard it before, your life is what you make it. If those stakes aren't high enough, add the fact that, when a family is involved, there are other lives tied to your own. Determine to make your life a success and, by doing so, you'll bring others with you.

Start with your priorities. Whatever they are--relationships, career, God--define what success looks like for you in that arena. Visualize where you want to go. When you can see it, the target becomes easier to aim for and to hit. Then decide that you're going for it. Hold nothing back. As a life insurance agent once told me, "People always have money for something they want." The principle he was preaching: If you really want it, you'll decide to do it and it will get done.

Foresight is problem solving in advance. Analyze your current position as compared to your destination. What are the best routes to your goal? What assets do you have that will help you get there? What are your liabilities and what can you do to minimize or eliminate them? Be realistic when analyzing the costs--in time and resources. Is what you want worth what you will give up?

Be sure to balance your priorities. You're not pleasing God if you're neglecting family responsibilities to accomplish a spiritual goal. You're not helping yourself if you turn in a poor performance on your current job while pursuing a career change. Some of this falls under the category of risk, which should be considered as well.

Making plans. Now, pull it all together. A plan can be formal or informal. It can be for today, for next week or for well into the future. It helps me to break down long-term plans into shorter, more easily attainable goals. It's encouraging to reach interim objectives as you move forward on a big plan. (Completing a college degree may be a two-year job, but the first two courses may only involve the next four months.)

Set some milestones so you can check your progress from time-to-time. Include others in your plan for both accountability and encouragement. (Choose wisely who you involve. Someone you can count on. Maybe someone who is making the same journey.) And be ready to adjust your plan. Life changes and new assets and liabilities emerge as you move down the road.

I've given you a lot to digest. What's most important is that you do take responsibility for your life and that you're proactive about moving towards the goals you want. Making the decision to engage--to use those legs--may be the hardest thing you do.

(Next topic on Monday.)

Use 'em While You Got 'em/Go Deep

Among truths, these two are unavoidable and irrevocable: time moves on and things change.

Today has its own set of opportunities that are unique to your stage of life, your relationships, your income, your circumstances, your maturity, your available time, your geography, your circle of friends, your influence, and a host of other factors. The question is, are your eyes trained to see the opportunities? And then, are you doing something with those opportunities?

I've seen two mindsets in men that are on opposite ends of the spectrum. One is the man who let's life live him. He seemingly has no plan, no agenda. He takes life as it comes and often is surprised by what life drops on his door step. More often than not, it's life that takes him for a ride and not the other way around.

The other man is rare. He surveys the land like an advance scout for a wagon train. Taking his responsibility seriously, he studies the terrain, observes the weather, scopes out the dangers, and considers the best options. Then, he makes a plan, follows it, and leads others in it.

Which one, do you think, comes to the end of his life and is blindsided by the realization that he no longer has legs to run--even if he wanted to? Which one do you want to be?

(Next post this Friday)

Use 'em While You Got 'em/Think About It

On a recent morning run, the thought came to me, "Use the legs while you've got them." Certainly, the notion fit the context of the moment. (When you don't start running until your late forties, you're never quite sure if your legs will be up to the challenge!) But the idea also reflected a much deeper strain of thought that has been dominating my subconscious lately.

You see, my mother has entered that stage of life where reality begins to give way to fantasy, where reason starts to let go and imagination begins to take over. Less and less is she capable of taking care of her own business, her own needs. She was among the most capable of the many people I have known. Yet, that capacity to be productive, to be a contributor, is now quickly slipping away.


You can imagine the flood of thoughts and emotions this produces in me. The one that is on my heart for you, though, is this: What is the opportunity this day that you need to take advantage of--because you can and because it won't always be so?

Think about it!

(Next post this Wednesday)

Man Word Blog Begins/Live It

"Don't tell me what you're going to do, show me," my dad used to say. He was always one for action. It's a value I've come to appreciate more and more in this life. All too often, I see men who think about it, dwell on it, dream about it, and even talk it up. But IT never happens.

All too often, I'm that man.

My final post of each week will be focused on application. Because the best lesson is no lesson at all if it's not applied to living.

My desire is to see an intentional generation of men rise up to take responsibility. Men who face life's challenges with confidence, do the right thing even when it hurts, respect themselves and others and act accordingly. Men who make it happen.

That involves putting into action the principles that you learn.

I hope you'll join me in this life quest. Let me know you're following the trail. Send me your questions on issues that are important to you and I'll speak to them out of my experience and out of resources that have been helpful to me.

I'll be here each week, with provocative topics that will make you think, with challenges to take you deeper, and applications that will help you live it!

The first installment begins Monday. See you then.

Man Word Blog Begins/Go Deep

My mid-week post will always challenge men to dive deeper into the topic of the week. Since this is Week One and its purpose is to introduce the vision of this blog, I want to cover three principles that you'll see a lot of if you become a regular reader.


The first is priority. A life well-lived has the right kinds of priorities. Things that are bigger than yourself that challenge you to get off your duff and achieve. Things that remove complacency and fill your life with direction. Things that propel you forward rather than bog you down.

The main priority of my life is my relationship with God. Don't worry, I won't beat you over the head with it. But it's important that you know what drives me. The Apostle Paul wrote to a young man he was mentoring, "Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called..." To his student, Timothy, Paul was saying engage fully in this faith that you've confessed to have. Make it the priority of your life. Don't just think or talk about the principles of your faith--put them into practice.

My faith is the first priority of my life. It directs me. My relationship with my wife and family is next. My church work is third. By establishing these priorities and ordering them in my life, I know where I'm going. And course corrections are a matter of checking my actions against those priorities and then adjusting to bring them in line when necessary. Have you established your life priorities?

The second principle is discipline. In American society today, there are way too many distractions designed to take men off course. Those distractions aren't going away. The answer is disciplining yourself to avoid the things that drag you down and hinder your ability to achieve your priorities. And, like it or not, discipline translates into sweat and hard work. There's no other road to achieving what you want. Accept it. Make discipline part of your life.

Finally, men who engage life need wisdom and discernment. Wisdom isn't memorizing a lot of clever sayings. It's the ability to assess what's going on around you and to determine a right course of action (steps that will lead you to achieve your priorities). Certainly, you need discernment when disaster strikes, but even more so when things are going well. Wisdom involves measuring your impact on life, evaluating the opportunities, and making and executing a plan that will lead to more impact. It's when times are good that you have the capacity to do this.

These three principles will appear a lot in my writings to you. My hope is that you'll take them to heart and that they will become everyday elements of your life.

(Next post this Friday)

Man Word Blog Begins/Think About It

Few things make me as mad as the male bashing I see on today's television commercials.

A good, bad example is the telephone company spot that features a very together woman explaining how easy and inexpensive this telephone service is to install. Meanwhile, her apparent husband appears in the background doing the worst possible impression of John Travolta's Saturday Night Fever bump and grind routine. Clueless of the camera, he makes a fool of himself for all to see.

If the commercial had stopped there, it might have been funny. But, at the end, the woman looks over her shoulder and discovers what has been going on in the background while she was trying to do something serious. She looks back at the camera with this face that says, "My husband is a bumbling idiot and my life is so diminished because I'm anchored to him."

My anger over this and other men-bashing commercials isn't that this type of man doesn't exist. It's the fact that our society seems to relish highlighting their directionless, live-for-the-moment, unproductive lifestyles rather than presenting the more noble pursuits that represent the true calling of men.

This blog is for men and it's about life engagement. Life is meant to be lived. And what the world needs are men who run their lives, not men who let life run them. I want to see men engaged in building a life, not throwing it away in dissipation, randomness, distraction, or laziness.

My hope--through this blog--is to provide solutions, examples, inspiration, and suggestions that will help men live life to its fullest.

As we begin, I have two questions for you: Which man are you? Which man do you want to be?

Think about it!

(Next post this Wednesday)