Learning "Marriage"/Live It!

There's a reason that couples who have been married for many years seem to be a lot alike.

They typically were attracted to each other because they had a lot in common in the first place. And, after many years of working together toward common goals and bringing issues to resolution, they become even more like-minded.

That's a key fact that young marrieds need to remember. At times, it seems like things will never get better. In the heat of the moment, it can feel like there's no hope of a smooth-sailing relationship. Give it time. As a variable in the marriage relationship, time together can make a big difference.

There are two other components to a successful relationship that men and women should pay attention to--love and respect. Dr. Emerson Eggerich, a former pastor and a psychologist, wrote a book on how these two courtesies build strong, lasting marriages.

But, Emerson wasn't the original. Paul wrote in his letter to the Ephesians, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Eph. 5:33)

Dr. Eggerich says in his book, "Love and Respect", that couples get into a downward cycle. The wife perceives that her husband isn't loving her because he is being unsympathetic or isn't showing her attention. So, she disrespects her husband. The husband responds with more behavior that indicates to the woman that he doesn't love her, and the descent to a broken relationship continues.

The cycle can only be broken when one or the other responds in love or respect. Since this is a blog for men, I'll give you a few tips on how you can show love to your wife:

• Listen--When my wife asks, "How was your day?" I know that that's actually an invitation to a conversation. The woman is the one with a need to verbally relate her day to the man. But she does genuinely want to know how you feel about your day. So relate not just the events of the day, but how you feel about how things are going. Then reciprocate. Ask how her day was and really listen.
• Gifts--A woman needs to feel that she is your one and only choice for a life mate. One way you can do that is with unexpected gifts. Nothing elaborate. A card with a simple note, reminding her that you want to be with her. Flowers given "just because" are a lasting reminder of your affection.
• Time--A surprise date fits into this category. Take a little time off work and arrange a special time together. Whatever you do, make sure it is a quiet place that allows for conversation (the listen thing).
• Reassurance--You need to always be aware of what your wife says and think about why she is saying it. There are times when my wife says, "I know you'd rather be doing something else." That's an opportunity to reassure her that there's no place else I'd rather be.

If you are certain to deliver regular doses of love to your wife, you'll be surprised with how much respect you get in return. It fits under the golden rule principle. If you want to be happy, make the one closest to you happy first.

Learning "Marriage"/Go Deep

Toilet lid: leave it up or down?
Tooth paste: squeeze the tube in the middle or from the bottom up?
Toilet paper: over or under?

These weighty issues are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the conflicts newly married couples have to work out.

My advice to young marrieds starts with recommending an attitude of foreverness. (Not a word, but it communicates.) You may have thought marriage was going to be perfect. But when you found out it wasn't, that doesn't change the fact that you've made an agreement, a covenant, to remain together forever.

If you both agree on that premise, then you leave yourselves no option other than working through the conflicts. You need to learn how to talk openly and honestly about your feelings, without putting your mate down. That sounds like, "I feel like this..." rather than "You always do this..."

Always seek the win-win solution. So, if it requires two separate, yet equal tubes of tooth paste, work it out. If you practice on the smaller issues, it won't be as hard to tackle the really difficult conflicts.

That does bring up a related point: don't major on the minors. A couple needs to be a team. There are plenty of enemies "out there" that have to be confronted. If your relationship is constantly being hampered by conflicts over piddly stuff, you won't be an effective team when tackling life. Let go of the things that aren't significant.

That united front should be consistently shown in public. One of my biggest mistakes as a newly married man was bringing up an issue "in front of company" that my wife and I had disagreed about. Stupid. Did I think I'd get some cover from people outside my marriage? Didn't work. I just embarrassed myself and my wife.

Join me later this week for more marriage-keeper tips.

Learning "Marriage"/Think About It

I have both a son and a son-in-law navigating the sometimes rough waters called "new marriage relationship."

They are both doing well, but not without putting in some work. Bringing together two distinct personalities from two totally different backgrounds into a marriage and making them "one" is not an easy thing.

I had the privilege of counseling with a young missionary a few years ago who was struggling with that relationship-building thing. He was originally from Australia, but had entered an international language school after surrendering his life to missions. At school, he met a beautiful young Asian woman who also had committed her life to missions and was studying the same language.

Other than the mutual attraction, I believe the similarities stopped there. Nonetheless, they fell in love and married before venturing out onto the mission field.

The young man explained that "it was hard" to connect and to work together as a couple. My response to him was, "No kidding!" The first thing I wanted him to know was that he was not alone. Everyone--and I mean everyone--has a bumpy time at first.

Think about it. You're bringing together two individuals and are attempting to make a couple. There are two different backgrounds, two viewpoints, two sets of habits that now have to become compatible. There are differing (and sometimes diverse) tastes in foods, in fashions, and interior design. There are chores that have to be divvied up. There are questions about budgeting and spending that must be answered. There are spiritual matters, career matters, and family matters that must be explored.

Forget about obsessing over whether the toilet lid stays up or down. That's the least of your worries.

Now, add to all that the challenge of blending two cultures and the stress of moving into a strange country and culture where there is virtually no support group. That's where this missionary couple was living. Whew! Yes, I would say, "It's hard!"

But, it's far from hopeless. I'm not a certified marriage counselor of any kind. But, I have been married for nearly 35 years and have been exposed to a lot of marriage helps (yes, because I needed a lot of marriage helps). So I shared what I could in the short amount of time we had together.

I'd like to share some of those newly married tips this week, some of which I discussed with my young missionary friend, and others that I wish I had remembered at the time.

In the meantime, how is your relationship doing? Or, more importantly, how do you want your relationship to be doing? Think about it!

An Uncommon Comeback/Live It!

In today's time-crunched world, I don't see too many people engaging others.
As opposed to just talking to them.

How can you tell the difference?

The first and most obvious ingredient is time. We have a new granddaughter. I was around her for just short snippets of time when she was very young. But when she started walking (and eventually running), her mother left her with us for some extended time. That's when I was really able to engage her.

Books, stuffed animals, frog puppets that croak out "Old McDonald had a farm," my cell phone--whatever interests her, that's what I use to engage her in an exchange. (Can you really call it a conversation when they're only 16 months?) Anyway, it takes time to find out what interests another person.

In the case of my granddaughter, it was when I got down on the floor and met her eye-to-eye that we really connected. I found out that she liked to bounce, and we have a Snoogle--a really long pillow that curls--that's great for bouncing.

When I wrapped her in that pillow and she found out she could bounce on it, she came alive. Curls were jumping up and down, eyes were wide open, squeals erupted like I have never heard before. It was after that time together that she remembered my name (and recognized our neighborhood). Major connection.

Lesson number two: meet people where they are. When you find what interests them, then you can gain their attention. Then you can engage them.

Undivided attention also helps. Reading Newt Gingrich's book, Real Change, he talks about engaging and listening to people as essentials to good leadership. Ask questions and then listen. Bring back ideas, present them, ask for input and then listen. If people recognize that you are interested in them, Newt says, then they are liable to ask you to lead.

I'm sure there are more; but let me end with this one. Think creatively. When it's unexpected, it's noticed. If you want to make an impression, be impressive.

An Uncommon Comeback/Think About It

There's talking with people, and there's engaging people.
I'm not good at the latter, but I really enjoy being around people who do it well.

Let me give you an example.

Be careful when you engage a Jeep owner in a conversation about gas mileage. I made that mistake on the way to lunch with my boss (of all people). For some reason, I chose that moment to brag about the mileage my new Civic Honda delivered, and then I asked him what kind of mileage a Jeep gets.

He smiled, pulled out of his parking spot and proceeded to the end of the lot, which butted up against a steep incline into a vacant lot. He proceeded to put the Jeep in 4-wheel drive, jumped the curb, and took us all on a steep, bumpy, rip-roaring ride over rocks, holes, and debris.

When we arrived on the other side of the vacant lot, he looked at me with a wry grin and said, "Try and do that with a Civic!" Point made.

I sure am glad he was good-natured. But what I appreciated even more was the creative way he engaged me. It was bold, it was unique and unexpected. It was break-thru. (I'll never forget it!)

The conversation was more than a conversation. It was a lesson. Think about it.

Conversations with a Son/Live It!

"Remember your name,"
a friend from my college days would say to his teen son as he walked out the door to meet friends for a night out.

My friend's message, he explained, was "You're my son. We're connected, and what you do will have consequences that will impact me and my family's name. Make sure that you always bring respect to the name and not ruin."

I think that's a great message for Dads to deliver to their sons, because it covers the next two of the four most important things a father can say to a son: You are my son and I love you.

The first has to do with connection. Boys are often raised in a way that makes them very independent. When they go through those turbulent teen years, they often forget not only that they are mortal and that they can create lifelong trouble for themselves in one night, they also forget that they are connected to others.

When talking with my son, I reminded him of the heritage given him by the men in our family. Both my father and father-in-law--his grandfathers--were hard-working, honest, and kind men who led their families through thick and thin. They stood against injustice, loved their wives, and disciplined their kids. And they were generous to their grandkids.

I've tried hard to follow their example. And, as my son reached manhood, the baton was passed to him. The challenge to him was, "What will you do with it? Remember your name."

That message can be overwhelming, though. It's a lot of weight on a young man's shoulder. So the message needs to be mixed with a healthy dose of, "Remember, I love you no matter what." How many of us handled ourselves perfectly? ("Nobody" is the answer, if you're not sure.) We all, at some point in our life, needed to be held accountable; but also needed to be forgiven and supported.

My father held all of his sons accountable, but we never felt like he severed himself from us. He continued to support us with help, advice, cash when necessary, and pride when we succeeded in doing the right thing. The message was rarely, if ever, spoken. But it was felt: "You're my son and I love you."

Don't forget to say the important things before time runs out. Here's an idea: Start early and say it often so it's natural by the time your son reaches his teens.

Conversations with a Son/Go Deep

There are four things I believe a man yearns to hear from a father.
Before I cover the first two, though, I need you to broaden your definition of the word, "hear."

Men not only don't have the verbal skills that women do, they don't have the temperament for sharing deep feelings in a verbal form. So men have to "listen" in different ways to what their fathers say--often through action rather than words.

That said, here are two of the most important things boys and young men need to hear from a father figure: "You're a man and I'm proud of you."

I'm no psychologist, so I would get into deep trouble trying to tell you why we need to hear this. But I'd bet the farm that this is true of most men, if not all. There is a deep need to be included in the fraternity of men. And, only other men can extend that inclusion.

So as men, we need to be ready, open and able to saying this to young men. Inclusion in male activities is the most comfortable way to communicate this. Way too many boys spend their lives waiting in the crowd of "unwanteds" waiting to be picked for a team. Being chosen last is every bit as bad as not being picked at all.

That's why the father-son relationship is so critical. As a Dad, you can choose your son and let him know you're proud to have him on your team.

When doing things that men do, include your son or that young man you're mentoring. That can be work (like yard work, building or fixing something, maintaining the car) or it can be pleasure (like hiking, hunting, boating, biking). Simply by including your son, you are making a statement that he is a man. And the fact that you want to spend time with him tells him you're proud of him.

But there is no doubt that words make a difference. Young men need to be told these things so there are no doubts later. Guarantee the very first words spoken about you were, "He's a boy!" Those words need to be repeated often.

As part of my son's rite of passage, I reminded him that his grandfather (my Dad) bought him a boy's knife when he was only about one or two years old. What my father was saying back then was, "You're a boy, with all the potential to be a man."

My father died before my son reached his fifth birthday, so I finished my father's message when my son reached his early twenties. I reminded him of my father's gift and how that small knife represented his prediction that my son would make a fine man. Having made it to manhood, I gave my son a man's knife and let him know I was proud of him.

Conversations with a Son/Think About It!

Fathers should talk with their sons.
Even as I type these words, I want to put qualifiers on the statement. You see, I feel I could have done a better job in this vital area of relationship with my son.

My reflex is to rationalize why the conversations with my son didn't happen in the numbers they should have. And to rationalize why the talks that did happen didn't go deep enough.

But I realize, too, that I may be judging myself with the same ruler I use when thinking about my relationship with my father. And that's not fair--to me or to my father. You see, every relationship is impacted by uncontrollable variables. No relationship happens under ideal conditions. As human beings, we're constantly attempting to build relationships while at the same time battling against elements that make that difficult.

My Dad grew up in a Depression-era home in desolate West Texas with five brothers and sisters. His father was a harsh man, perhaps made that way because of the difficult life he constantly struggled against. Work was always hard to find. And when my grandfather found it, he had to work at it non-stop to make ends meet.

My father left home at 16 to get in on the tail end of World War II. To my grandfather's credit, he refused to sign the papers when my Dad was only 15, even though he desperately wanted to join the war before it ended. My grandfather told his son, "Wait a year. If you still want to join when you're 16, I'll sign the papers." Also to my grandfather's credit, he kept his word and signed the papers shortly after my Dad's 16th, and my father followed his two older brothers into the conflict.

I've wondered if there was a conversation between father and son as my Dad left town for Navy boot camp. If there was, it probably consisted of a "Take care of yourself" and a short "good-bye."

My father survived the war. He had left as a boy, but returned as a man. Again, I wonder if there were any father-son conversations about my Dad's experiences, about the war, about what my father saw and learned. I'm left with the impression that those types of conversations never happened, because my father rarely spoke of his Dad.

My grandfather died before I was born, so I can't speak to his personality or to his abilities as a father. Like most of the men with families in those very hard days, I think life was consumed with surviving. The privilege of being able to work on your father-son relationship is ours today because of men like my grandfather and father who sacrificed to make this country vital and secure.

Which brings me back to my first point for this week's blog. Men, because we have the privilege of a secure country with a decent economy that provides most an opportunity to make a livable wage, we should take advantage of what we have. Especially when it comes to spending time with our sons.

Let me take it a step further to men who don't yet have sons. There are scores of young boys out there who do not have a father influence in their lives. Consider mentoring a young boy. Be a friend and a role model, maybe through Big Brothers or some other organization.

You should be using your influence to introduce positive things into the lives of young men. The most important thing you can do for a boy is to simply validate him as a young man. It's something that can only be conferred by one man onto another.

More about this later this week. For now, think about the conversations you wish you had had with your father. What would you cover with him if you had the chance?