The Essential Skill/Live It!

When it comes to applying good listening skills, you're really attempting to achieve more than just hearing. You're also trying to communicate that you ARE listening. Let's go there first.

How to communicate you're listening:

You show you're listening with your eyes more than with your ears. Are they focused on the person speaking or are they straying to your work, to the television, to other people or other distractions? Appropriate eye contact involves meeting the speaker's eyes and looking away briefly from time-to-time to ponder points. Then, to bring your attention back to the speaker with appropriate expressions.

Assume the same body posture as the person who is speaking. It's called "rapport" in certain professional circles. By assuming the same posture, you are gaining a rapport with the speaker and showing your sympathy and making a connection.

Don't answer the phone that rings. If the speaker pauses, say "they'll leave a message...you were saying?" What you are saying when you do that is "nothing is more important to me than what you are saying right now."

Techniques for truly listening:

Techniques for truly listening are basic common sense, but often not practiced. The goals of listening are to tune in, completely understand what you hear, retain it and to be able to repeat it later.

Eye contact is doing double duty in this case. If you have good, active eye contact, chances are better that you're staying tuned in to the speaker.

To make sure you're grasping what's being said, outline what you're hearing--whether in your mind or on paper. Generally, the speaker will make major points supported by sub-points. Organizing these keeps your mind active and increases your understanding. You'll also more likely retain the thought if you're actively mulling it over while listening.

From time to time, repeat back to your conversation partner what you've heard. Let them know that you're checking your understanding. That's flattering, not insulting, especially when you repeat it back correctly. You're proving yourself to be an interested listener.

These simple tips will not only help you be a better listener, they'll improve the connections you make with each interaction. And that translates to increased trust, credibility and opportunity.

See what a little listening will do.

The Essential Skill/Go Deep

Whenever my brothers and I were hard of hearing, my mom and dad would compare us to the stubborn mule that had to be hit between the eyes with a two-by-four to get his attention before he was ready to hear an order.

My parents never won many points with PETA; but they knew how to make three wayward boys pay attention.

You're not alone if your listening skills rate a "mule" score. Here are some of the typical issues that keep us from listening well:

• Drifting--Sometimes we just let our thoughts stray instead of tuning in to what another person is saying. Listening takes work, doesn't it. (Some days more than others.)
• Anticipating--At other times, we're thinking about our next statement rather than listening as the other person finishes his point. Like today's politicians, we're more concerned with what we have to say than hearing the other person. And consequently, we don't connect. We don't communicate.
• Stereotyping--Worse yet, we sometimes determine in advance what we think a person is going to say and take a defensive posture, blocking what is actually being said. (Again, politicians come to mind.)
• Dreaming--Much of the time, we're simply disinterested and our plans for the evening take center stage. In cases like this, the only time we tune in to the speaker is to gauge when he'll be finished so we can get on about our own business.

Any of these sound familiar? We're all guilty of one or more of these just about every day. Friday, I'll talk about some techniques that will help you with the essential skill. Get ready to listen up.

The Essential Skill/Think About It

One of the first seminars my employer out of college sent me to was a course on listening. Why was it so important that I learn how to be a better listener at the outset of my career? I don’t remember if they said why at the time. But often, I have been reminded that listening is perhaps THE most important skill you can exercise when dealing with people.

• How many of you who are in a significant relationship have had a problem communicating with your partner?
• How many of you have come across a problem at work that had at its core a miscommunication?
• Have you ever had a friendship go bust because of a misunderstanding due to bad communications?

Chances are good we could review every story that has popped into your head and at the root of the problem was a failure on someone’s part to listen carefully.

Beyond the problems, what about the opportunities that are lost when we fail to listen? Like the prospective client who drops a hint about a need your product or service could have met--if you had only been listening instead of thinking about your next line? Or like when your wife is talking about an issue with the kids and you're thinking about the game? (Oh right, like you've never done that!)

They've put together stats on how much the corporate world loses annually due to employees' lack of sleep. I wonder if they've ever calculated the losses due to "hard of hearing." How are your listening skills? Think about it and we'll talk more Wednesday.