Learning "Marriage"/Live It!

There's a reason that couples who have been married for many years seem to be a lot alike.

They typically were attracted to each other because they had a lot in common in the first place. And, after many years of working together toward common goals and bringing issues to resolution, they become even more like-minded.

That's a key fact that young marrieds need to remember. At times, it seems like things will never get better. In the heat of the moment, it can feel like there's no hope of a smooth-sailing relationship. Give it time. As a variable in the marriage relationship, time together can make a big difference.

There are two other components to a successful relationship that men and women should pay attention to--love and respect. Dr. Emerson Eggerich, a former pastor and a psychologist, wrote a book on how these two courtesies build strong, lasting marriages.

But, Emerson wasn't the original. Paul wrote in his letter to the Ephesians, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Eph. 5:33)

Dr. Eggerich says in his book, "Love and Respect", that couples get into a downward cycle. The wife perceives that her husband isn't loving her because he is being unsympathetic or isn't showing her attention. So, she disrespects her husband. The husband responds with more behavior that indicates to the woman that he doesn't love her, and the descent to a broken relationship continues.

The cycle can only be broken when one or the other responds in love or respect. Since this is a blog for men, I'll give you a few tips on how you can show love to your wife:

• Listen--When my wife asks, "How was your day?" I know that that's actually an invitation to a conversation. The woman is the one with a need to verbally relate her day to the man. But she does genuinely want to know how you feel about your day. So relate not just the events of the day, but how you feel about how things are going. Then reciprocate. Ask how her day was and really listen.
• Gifts--A woman needs to feel that she is your one and only choice for a life mate. One way you can do that is with unexpected gifts. Nothing elaborate. A card with a simple note, reminding her that you want to be with her. Flowers given "just because" are a lasting reminder of your affection.
• Time--A surprise date fits into this category. Take a little time off work and arrange a special time together. Whatever you do, make sure it is a quiet place that allows for conversation (the listen thing).
• Reassurance--You need to always be aware of what your wife says and think about why she is saying it. There are times when my wife says, "I know you'd rather be doing something else." That's an opportunity to reassure her that there's no place else I'd rather be.

If you are certain to deliver regular doses of love to your wife, you'll be surprised with how much respect you get in return. It fits under the golden rule principle. If you want to be happy, make the one closest to you happy first.

Learning "Marriage"/Go Deep

Toilet lid: leave it up or down?
Tooth paste: squeeze the tube in the middle or from the bottom up?
Toilet paper: over or under?

These weighty issues are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the conflicts newly married couples have to work out.

My advice to young marrieds starts with recommending an attitude of foreverness. (Not a word, but it communicates.) You may have thought marriage was going to be perfect. But when you found out it wasn't, that doesn't change the fact that you've made an agreement, a covenant, to remain together forever.

If you both agree on that premise, then you leave yourselves no option other than working through the conflicts. You need to learn how to talk openly and honestly about your feelings, without putting your mate down. That sounds like, "I feel like this..." rather than "You always do this..."

Always seek the win-win solution. So, if it requires two separate, yet equal tubes of tooth paste, work it out. If you practice on the smaller issues, it won't be as hard to tackle the really difficult conflicts.

That does bring up a related point: don't major on the minors. A couple needs to be a team. There are plenty of enemies "out there" that have to be confronted. If your relationship is constantly being hampered by conflicts over piddly stuff, you won't be an effective team when tackling life. Let go of the things that aren't significant.

That united front should be consistently shown in public. One of my biggest mistakes as a newly married man was bringing up an issue "in front of company" that my wife and I had disagreed about. Stupid. Did I think I'd get some cover from people outside my marriage? Didn't work. I just embarrassed myself and my wife.

Join me later this week for more marriage-keeper tips.

Learning "Marriage"/Think About It

I have both a son and a son-in-law navigating the sometimes rough waters called "new marriage relationship."

They are both doing well, but not without putting in some work. Bringing together two distinct personalities from two totally different backgrounds into a marriage and making them "one" is not an easy thing.

I had the privilege of counseling with a young missionary a few years ago who was struggling with that relationship-building thing. He was originally from Australia, but had entered an international language school after surrendering his life to missions. At school, he met a beautiful young Asian woman who also had committed her life to missions and was studying the same language.

Other than the mutual attraction, I believe the similarities stopped there. Nonetheless, they fell in love and married before venturing out onto the mission field.

The young man explained that "it was hard" to connect and to work together as a couple. My response to him was, "No kidding!" The first thing I wanted him to know was that he was not alone. Everyone--and I mean everyone--has a bumpy time at first.

Think about it. You're bringing together two individuals and are attempting to make a couple. There are two different backgrounds, two viewpoints, two sets of habits that now have to become compatible. There are differing (and sometimes diverse) tastes in foods, in fashions, and interior design. There are chores that have to be divvied up. There are questions about budgeting and spending that must be answered. There are spiritual matters, career matters, and family matters that must be explored.

Forget about obsessing over whether the toilet lid stays up or down. That's the least of your worries.

Now, add to all that the challenge of blending two cultures and the stress of moving into a strange country and culture where there is virtually no support group. That's where this missionary couple was living. Whew! Yes, I would say, "It's hard!"

But, it's far from hopeless. I'm not a certified marriage counselor of any kind. But, I have been married for nearly 35 years and have been exposed to a lot of marriage helps (yes, because I needed a lot of marriage helps). So I shared what I could in the short amount of time we had together.

I'd like to share some of those newly married tips this week, some of which I discussed with my young missionary friend, and others that I wish I had remembered at the time.

In the meantime, how is your relationship doing? Or, more importantly, how do you want your relationship to be doing? Think about it!