Shut! Up!/Live It!

“From your mouth to God’s ear.”

Reviewing the first 20 chapters of Proverbs and pulling out the verses that had to do with the mouth, I was able to divide those bits of advice into four categories:

• Gossip is the best way to lose friends and your influence.
• Lying is wicked, right down there with gossiping.
• Spouting off without thinking is a quick way to ruin you professionally and relationally.
• The mouth can speak life or death into another person’s soul.

I was surprised that there were only one or two verses for each of the first three categories. The vast majority of the observations by Solomon on controlling the mouth had to do with how devastating or uplifting words can be.

I’m remembering, regretfully, a single word that I spoke into the life of my young daughter many years ago. It was a Friday night after a hard week of work. There was a movie on TV that I wanted to see. Yet, my very precocious daughter was having a friend over for the night.

Somewhere in the middle of the flick, my daughter and her friend came into the living room dressed to the hilt in night gowns, lace, furry stoles, and glittery tiaras. In order to give me a proper fashion show, and to have my full attention, they needed silence. So, my daughter reached out and turned off the television in the middle of a crucial scene.

My reaction was immediate and negative. I remember bounding out of the chair and shouting “NO!” as I ran to the TV and turned it back on. Not my finest moment as a father.

You see, the opportunity before me was to speak life into the hearts of two young girls. To show acceptance. To build their self-esteem. To help make their evening special and to create a fond memory for the future. Instead, I reacted selfishly. And the one word I spoke was certainly not life-giving.

Solomon effectively uses contrasts to make the point. The lips of the righteous (those pursuing Wisdom) “nourish many”—a great word picture of caring for others and investing kind words into their lives. Like nutrients, the right words cause a life to flourish. On the other hand, the words of the wicked create strife (18:6), destroy neighbors (11:9, 12), and stir up anger (13:1).

Words have the ability to actually turn a life around. Hear this advice:

• “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” (12:25)
• “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” (16:24)
• And the best summary of all, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (12:18)

I’ll wrap up this series by reinforcing what Solomon says, speaking out of my own experience. Words are powerful. As a man, your words have influence beyond what you imagine.

These days, I use my words carefully and with intentionality to nourish. I call both my daughters “Beautiful.” I tell my son how proud I am of his work and his life. I remind my wife that I love her. I tell others that I appreciate them.

As men, we tend to think in terms of projects. I would challenge you to think of every person you meet as a garden that will either flourish or wither based on the words you speak into his or her life.

Shut! Up!/Go Deep

“Loose lips sink ships.”
There was the time I blew it as a college-age cub reporter in the sports department of a local newspaper. It was the night of the historic Frazier-Ali fight, in the days before cable and pay-for-view existed. So, the newspaper’s phone rang every minute with someone asking, “Is the fight over?” and “Who won the fight?”

And, as the junior member of the sports team, I was designated to answer the phone. With frustration building because I was not getting my work done, I began to resent the constant interruptions. To make matters worse, the callers would invariably ask first, “Who is this?” and would always seem disappointed that they weren’t talking to a byline reporter.

Finally, I had had enough and determined that I would no longer play the game. Sure enough, the very next caller asked, “Who is this?” I replied, “Who do you want?” Surprised by my answer, the caller asked again “Who IS this?” with a little more force. I retorted, “Who do you want?” The answer came back quick and sharp, “This is the Executive Editor and I want to know who I’m talking with.”

That’s right. My boss’s boss. Yes indeed, that’s where I learned the lesson that your mouth can get you in a whole lot of trouble REAL fast.

As I read Proverbs, I see Solomon working hard to help men avoid just that—engaging the mouth before engaging the brain.

Among the practical hints Solomon offers his students are these:

• “Wise men store up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool invites ruin.” (10:14)
• “When words are many, sin is not absent…” (10:19)
• “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.” (18:13)
• “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.” (20:19)

Here’s how I would translate these into basic, common sense tips for today's man. Don’t say much. When you do say something, consider it carefully. Realize that your words have impact—nothing spoken is a “throw-away phrase.” Don’t speak out of anger. Calm down, think about it, and then answer. The more you explain, the less credible you are. The more you talk, the more likely you are to get in trouble.

When you do blow it, there’s only one way out that I know of—apologize. That’s what I did the next day to the Executive Editor. It saved my job and helped firmly plant a lesson in my mind and character: “A gentle answer turns away wrath…” (15:1)

Shut! Up!/Think About It

Open mouth, insert foot.
My most embarrassing verbal blunder as a young adult involved asking a former classmate at my 10-year high school reunion when her baby was due.

It seemed like polite and clever conversation as the words flowed out of my mouth. Rather sophisticated, I thought, to pick up on her condition and how sensitive of me to show interest in her life.

The only problem? She had delivered her baby about four months prior to the reunion. "Oops" just doesn't quite cover it. I'm 25 years on the other side of that fiasco and a lot wiser about my words. But not without a lot of scarring along the way.

Taming your tongue is impossible, according to the New Testament Apostle James. "We all stumble in many ways," James said. "If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check." If you've met this man, send me his contact info. I'd like to pay my respects.

For the rest of us, it's wisdom we need and a fair amount of warnings from those who have stepped in it a time or two. Or three. I'll be sharing a few more of my infamous verbal disasters in the days ahead as I attempt to impart some of Solomon's wise words about mouthing off.

If there is anything that men need help with, it's when and how to keep the tongue in check. It's one thing when a verbal gaff marks you as a social misfit. It's entirely another thing when your words destroy a life or deeply wound a spirit. You know what I mean. You've either seen it done or you've done it yourself.

Solomon uses a lot of similes, metaphors, and contrasts to impart wisdom about the tongue. But all of his sayings can be boiled down into several keen insights about human nature and the power of positive words and the danger of words wrongly spoken.

Think about some of your worst verbal moments and the outcomes that resulted. In fact, send me some examples from your past. I'd appreciate the company. Then we'll talk mid-week about this mutual malady.