The Essential Skill/Live It!

When it comes to applying good listening skills, you're really attempting to achieve more than just hearing. You're also trying to communicate that you ARE listening. Let's go there first.

How to communicate you're listening:

You show you're listening with your eyes more than with your ears. Are they focused on the person speaking or are they straying to your work, to the television, to other people or other distractions? Appropriate eye contact involves meeting the speaker's eyes and looking away briefly from time-to-time to ponder points. Then, to bring your attention back to the speaker with appropriate expressions.

Assume the same body posture as the person who is speaking. It's called "rapport" in certain professional circles. By assuming the same posture, you are gaining a rapport with the speaker and showing your sympathy and making a connection.

Don't answer the phone that rings. If the speaker pauses, say "they'll leave a message...you were saying?" What you are saying when you do that is "nothing is more important to me than what you are saying right now."

Techniques for truly listening:

Techniques for truly listening are basic common sense, but often not practiced. The goals of listening are to tune in, completely understand what you hear, retain it and to be able to repeat it later.

Eye contact is doing double duty in this case. If you have good, active eye contact, chances are better that you're staying tuned in to the speaker.

To make sure you're grasping what's being said, outline what you're hearing--whether in your mind or on paper. Generally, the speaker will make major points supported by sub-points. Organizing these keeps your mind active and increases your understanding. You'll also more likely retain the thought if you're actively mulling it over while listening.

From time to time, repeat back to your conversation partner what you've heard. Let them know that you're checking your understanding. That's flattering, not insulting, especially when you repeat it back correctly. You're proving yourself to be an interested listener.

These simple tips will not only help you be a better listener, they'll improve the connections you make with each interaction. And that translates to increased trust, credibility and opportunity.

See what a little listening will do.

The Essential Skill/Go Deep

Whenever my brothers and I were hard of hearing, my mom and dad would compare us to the stubborn mule that had to be hit between the eyes with a two-by-four to get his attention before he was ready to hear an order.

My parents never won many points with PETA; but they knew how to make three wayward boys pay attention.

You're not alone if your listening skills rate a "mule" score. Here are some of the typical issues that keep us from listening well:

• Drifting--Sometimes we just let our thoughts stray instead of tuning in to what another person is saying. Listening takes work, doesn't it. (Some days more than others.)
• Anticipating--At other times, we're thinking about our next statement rather than listening as the other person finishes his point. Like today's politicians, we're more concerned with what we have to say than hearing the other person. And consequently, we don't connect. We don't communicate.
• Stereotyping--Worse yet, we sometimes determine in advance what we think a person is going to say and take a defensive posture, blocking what is actually being said. (Again, politicians come to mind.)
• Dreaming--Much of the time, we're simply disinterested and our plans for the evening take center stage. In cases like this, the only time we tune in to the speaker is to gauge when he'll be finished so we can get on about our own business.

Any of these sound familiar? We're all guilty of one or more of these just about every day. Friday, I'll talk about some techniques that will help you with the essential skill. Get ready to listen up.

The Essential Skill/Think About It

One of the first seminars my employer out of college sent me to was a course on listening. Why was it so important that I learn how to be a better listener at the outset of my career? I don’t remember if they said why at the time. But often, I have been reminded that listening is perhaps THE most important skill you can exercise when dealing with people.

• How many of you who are in a significant relationship have had a problem communicating with your partner?
• How many of you have come across a problem at work that had at its core a miscommunication?
• Have you ever had a friendship go bust because of a misunderstanding due to bad communications?

Chances are good we could review every story that has popped into your head and at the root of the problem was a failure on someone’s part to listen carefully.

Beyond the problems, what about the opportunities that are lost when we fail to listen? Like the prospective client who drops a hint about a need your product or service could have met--if you had only been listening instead of thinking about your next line? Or like when your wife is talking about an issue with the kids and you're thinking about the game? (Oh right, like you've never done that!)

They've put together stats on how much the corporate world loses annually due to employees' lack of sleep. I wonder if they've ever calculated the losses due to "hard of hearing." How are your listening skills? Think about it and we'll talk more Wednesday.

Pressure Pop Your Cork?/Live It!

So what of Tulowitzki? The Rockies pulled out one more run to win the game and sweep the Phillies to move into the National League Championship Series. Tulowitzki's strike out wasn't fatal to the team, nor I suspect to the Rookie of the Year candidate's career.

So, the first lesson of keeping your cool under pressure: Realize that the stakes aren't your life! Mistakes happen, we don't always win. But life doesn't end because of it. How you respond is what counts. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. Use the experience to grow into someone better and stronger. Try again until you succeed.

Other thoughts:

• Think ahead about what it will take to do an excellent job. It's not the win. It's doing your best that represents success.


• Concentrate on the basics of what you're doing. Don't concern yourself about the results. If you take care of the basics, the results will take care of themselves.


• Focus on the moment. Don't drift. Don't think about either failure or success. What matters is what you're doing in the moment.


• Understand that people in the audience are on your side. Most of them would never be in your shoes and they don't want to witness a crash and burn. They are secretly rooting for you. Smile at them and they'll smile back.


• Plan ways to get some wins. Whatever plagues you (like a fear of speaking), find some ways to practice in a less threatening environment and get some wins. Practice and small successes breed confidence that will pay off later.
  

One of the first motivational films I saw was done by a psychologist who had a fear of heights. This was a lady who threw up at the thought of high places. To conquer this fear, she parachuted out of a plane. But not until after many hours of practicing jumping out of the plane while it was still on the runway.

She also took courage from her instructor who told her why he wasn't afraid of jumping out of a plane: "I pack my own chute." Prepare, practice, and focus. You'll do fine.

See you next week.

Pressure Pop Your Cork?/Go Deep

I really felt for Tulowitzki. Under the pressure of the moment, he struck out, hitting the ground with his bat in frustration. A lost opportunity. Men left on base. Inning over.

He's not alone. How many times do we see the NFL kicker miss the field goal after the opposing coach "freezes" him? How many times do we see the star NBA player miss the 3-pointer at the buzzer? What causes us to lose it when the pressure is on?

Based on my own experience, here's one theory: Fear leads to loss of focus which leads to failure which confirms the fear.


Fear. When I was practicing, I simply enjoyed the activity. I didn't think about what I was doing--it was play. And my performance was really pretty good. But when the game was on the line, when an audience was watching, fear moved to the front of the brain. Fear can be an overpowering emotion that breaks your concentration, clouds your judgment, momentarily erases your memory, and drops your performance in the dumper.

So what was I afraid of? Failing. Worse yet, failing in front of an audience. Everything I had learned, everything I'd practiced flew out the window when fear walked through the front door.

Focus was a no-show at that point. Rather than concentrating on the task at hand, I focused on the impending failure, the embarrassment, the disappointment. I started adding my own personal pressure to an already difficult situation. My train of thought derailed and my performance went along for the bumpy ride.

Inevitably, I would fail in the attempt. What a hit to the ego!

If you're not careful, if you don't find a way to turn it around, this pattern can move you into a downward spiral of repeat failures and it becomes difficult to ever get back on the winning trail.

The good news is you can change this pattern in your life. I did. Friday, I'll share some of the things I learned over the years and some of the techniques I've used to keep my head while under pressure.

Pressure Pop Your Cork?/Think About It

If you were watching the third game of the Colorado Rockies-Philadelphia Phillies National League Division Series this past weekend, you saw a situation unfold that was the very definition of pressure.

With a win, the Rockies would sweep the series. It was the seventh inning. The score tied. Colorado second baseman Kaz Matsui was at bat. Two outs. Matsui had burned the Phillies with a two-out RBI in the fifth, so they intentionally walk him. Next up? Rookie shortstop Tory Tulowitzki.

Now, what were the Phillies saying to Tulowitzki? "We think we can take you on and beat you. We know what Matsui can do, but we don't think you have what it takes."

Talk about pressure! I don't know about you, but this used to be automatic CHOKE country for me. For much of my young life, these situations brought on brain freeze. On the practice field, I would win the shortstop position. On the day of the game, I couldn't snag the easiest grounder. At music lessons, my play was perfect. At the recital, I would freeze on stage.

What about you? Does pressure put you off your game or, worse, bring on lock jaw? Think about why and we'll go deeper on Wednesday.